Ruminations of the Bizzare Mind

  How do you right a wrong,  A wrong that is way too long.... How do you heal a scar so deep, When you forgot the promise you were meant to keep.. Do you find solace in finding out the "why" When you broke the trust so much that tears ran dry The gnawing emptiness and the pit less fall Now they don't matter when you ruined it all You let go and thought you were in control Just when you were deep in your rabbit hole It was deep and end was nowhere in sight Stooping to new lows with every passing day and night Fate had other plans and saw through this mess What you have done you will only confess And so it came to unfold, the truth so dark and vile Shattering the lie being dealt all this while How do you face yourself everyday in the mirror When you have forever been the sinner You had it all and you let it slip away If this is not blindness then what is I pray How do you grow a conscience  When you have been like Janus ever since How do you take back what can't be undo...

It is said that when you are about to die, your entire life flashes by you in that last instant. I often wonder what that flash would consist of? Will that encompass the people you hold near to your heart or will it be a retrospective blitz of all the  rights and wrong gathered over your entire life? Will it be a chalice of desires that lay beneath the masked existence we all have come to live by or will it be like a blinding glare which strips you naked in your own consciousness... hard to fathom, harder still to understand why this context when life at this moment is the more potent seductress!! Of late, it has become a habit of mine to delve in these flashes and relive some moments gone by in my imagination. These moments to the contrary of what one might construe as 'being memorable' are too simple to be even remembered. It is this very simplicity that makes me marvel at the human mind. The more flashes I relive, the firmer I believe that our mind documents every iota of...

I am never the one to ponder about the what ifs and had nots bordering around the mushy romance talks which girls in general have a natural affinity for and my better half in particular!! Somehow all the effort that would go in thinking such thoughts in the first place has always managed to elicit a perfect yawn from me (the cause of many instances wherein I had to pacify my wife by actually showing interest. Feigning it just won't suffice!) Nevertheless in the short span that I have been married (read "we have been married") I have realized that there are certain things that need to be thought about... Not that I am being coaxed into writing this but it took a few instances not too very pleasant but necessary ones to firmly entrench in my thick skull a thing or two about caring not just for me but about us! I always felt that I was on top of how to make my partner comfortable in the new environ. However I did not realize that what I was doing ...

है मलाल आज जीने का, आज मरने का मलाल है है मलाल आज मरने का, आज जीने का मलाल है अनकही बातों से उठता ये  सवाल है चेहरे पर है चेहरा या सिर्फ मेरा ख़याल है हकीकत की सादगी भी लगती एक चाल है ऐतबार से भरी तिजोरी आज फिर कंगाल है है मलाल आज जीने का, आज मरने का मलाल है है मलाल आज मरने का, आज जीने का मलाल है आज उनसे मिले एक अरसा हो गया, धुंधला रहा वह एहसास जब मैं बांवरा हुआ, ख्यालों में छिपे अनकहे जसबातों का मलाल है, शायद हद से ज़्यादा उसे चाहने का मलाल है है मलाल आज जीने का, आज मरने का मलाल है, है मलाल आज मरने का, आज जीने का मलाल है इस उम्र की सुबह एक शाम ढल गई, गुज़रे वक़्त की कुछ यादें थी, कुछ की कमी खल गई, उन भूली बिसरी यादों के गुम होने का मलाल है, सीने के बंद कमरों में कैद काली यादों का मलाल है है मलाल आज जीने का, आज मरने का मलाल है, है मलाल आज मरने का, आज जीने का मलाल है जीने के लिए मिली चंद साँसे उधार में, आधी खर्च हो गईं, आधी बची इसी इंतज़ार में, मौत की ख़्वाहिश लिए बैठे को आखिरी साँसों का मलाल है, बेमौत मरी ज़िन्दगी को छिनी सांसों का मलाल है है मलाल आज जीना का...

था गर्भ में सुप्त पड़ा जीवित होने का पूर्वाभास ना था सृजन वेदना से पीड़ित मुख पर एक अनोखा उल्लास था बालपन की स्मृति से स्पष्ट छलकता निरंतर मधुर रस वह माँ की फटकार वह माँ का स्नेह भरा स्पर्श वह सांझ सवेरे की सरल कहानियों में छुपे संस्कार के बीज वह लाड से खिलाना सुनाकर मधुर गीत लड़खड़ाते हुए कदमों को थामे वो हाँथ पिताजी की डांट में भी वो रहती हमारे साथ अत्यंत सरल जीवनयापन अत्यंत सरल मन भगवत भक्ति के वातावरण में व्यतीत हुआ बचपन जीवन की धूप छाँव में सदैव धैर्य रखती वो संपूर्ण परिवार को बांधती  एक अदृश्य डोरी वो सभी के साथ रहकर कभी लगती अकेली वो अपनी मिलनसार प्रवृत्ति कृति से दर्शाती वो पाककला में निपुण वह अन्नपूर्णा  है क्रोधित हो जाए तो  लगती साक्षात  दुर्गा है काल के प्रहार से कुछ लुप्त हो गया दमकता हुआ सूरज मानो काली घटा में सुप्त हो गया मैंने स्वयं को आज तक इतना असहाय नहीं पाया जाने विधाता ने माँ की इस पीड़ा का क्या मोल लगाया आज माँ में एक अनंत शून्य विद्यमान है अभी भी घर के किसी कोने में  धूल...

My attention to her was single minded, Why don't you reciprocate? I always chided, The world isn't a safe place does she not see? Why does she want me to leave and let her be? I am her lover, I am her friend and I am her guide, Even before she demands I will provide, I am her world and within me she should reside!! I don't know what is she afraid of and why has she lied? I have alienated all to have her by my side, At times it has been difficult to swallow my pride, Does she not know that she is wholly mine? It is her indifference that makes me pine!! I feel isolated and forlorn, This was bound to happen my friends had warned!! Am I wrong in loving her this way? It wasn't a problem before then why is it today? It is hard to explain what I undergo, It is neither distrust nor insecurity that causes my woes, Looking in her eyes is what calms me down, Every second of her absence is what I mourn!! The grip was tight and my hold relentless, Was life left? It was hard to ...